Religion General Store (Islam Edition)

Hello! Yes, you there. How would you be interested in a life changing product? That smirk on your face suggests you are amused by my lofty claim. You look happy, but I sense that you are not. I feel like something is missing in your life. As if sadness has engulfed your heart. I can see you’re awfully puzzled. Don’t be. There is a quick fix to all your problems! Have questions regarding the origins of the universe? Wonder what is the purpose behind your existence? Hmmm. You don’t look too intrigued. How about being certain about anything and everything? How about ensuring that society respects you for your words, association and get up rather than your actions? Ah. I see you’re interested now. Well, I won’t hold the suspense much longer. The quick fix I am talking about is religion, of course.

Now, I understand the needs of consumers today. And so, I lay before an exciting variety of religion and sub-religions. I’m looking at you and I think Islam would be a good fit, especially because we live in a society where most members indulge in self-righteousness. How is that linked to Islam? Hahaha. Look around lad. That man right there, behind the burger stand with his 4 wives covered in burge….I mean burkas; he is staring at those 2 girls passing by and surely his gaze will pursue them until they disappear around the corner. Believe me, he is known as the most pious man in town.

So, what flavor? Ah, that puzzled look has returned. Yes, even religion has flavors. This one here is what we call “Sufism.” It is currently my best selling brand. You see, young men like you, clad in jeans, do not really like the taste of orthodox religion. It is, admittedly, a little too strong. Hence, people of your type, jean wearing liberals, often come up to me and buy this brand of religion. What? The product I’m selling is a fake brand of Sufism? Hahaha. Who cares what’s real or fake, lad? All people care about is their image and this brand does the job. Ask your average fashion designer and I’m pretty sure he or she will be using this particular brand of Sufism. I am, after all, a high-end retailer.

But you don’t seem too pleased. Maybe I haven’t understood your needs. What you need is this: Orthodox Islam. It is one of the strongest brands of religions on the market. Hey! I’m sorry but you can’t touch this until you buy this. It is very special. Why, you ask? Because this isn’t any Orthodox Islam; this is Sunni Islam. It’s the most potent brand. It gives to authority and saves you from those pesky terrorists that hunt down and target the people who consume the other version of Orthodox Islam: Shi’ite Islam.

Hey! What are you doing? Put that down. Do you understand what you have done? You picked up Ahmadi Islam. This is illegal and is sold only to a few customers who need to conceal their identity. Why, you ask? Because it’s has a distinct flavor. So what, you say? Well, remember when Coca Cola introduced the New Coca Cola? Remember how outraged people were when the formula was revised? Think of it in the same manner. Except this time, instead of just protesting, people attack, hunt and kill people who consume this flavor.

What? You don’t want to buy any of these flavors? That’s alright. Next time you come, when can discuss other brands. Good day.

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2 thoughts on “Religion General Store (Islam Edition)

  1. F. says:

    I demand more editions!

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