Owl City News Network

7:00 PM

Islamabad, Pakistan: A huge mob of bearded mullahs has gathered in front of the U.S. Consulate demanding that the U.S. government repeal the recents changes to the Constitution of the United States. These recent changes to the Second Amendment  (Ordinance XXX) entail that Sunni or Shite Muslims can no longer call themselves as Muslims, or pose as them, because “we run the damn country and we do whatever we want, whenever we want.” said an official from the White House.

The statement issued by the Chief Correspondent of the White House, Captain Nemo, was this: “We believe that we want to further anger the Muslims of the world, because frankly that is all we want to do all the time, so we decided that most Muslims can no longer call themselves Muslims in the United States. It is mandatory for every person in the United States to sign a clause that states that all they believe and hold sacred is ridiculous, phonie and downright absurd. We do what we want. Also, we plan to create separate voter lists for Muslims and make sure they cannot call their mosques as ‘mosques’ or refer to their ‘call for prayer’ as ‘call for prayer.'”

We asked some of the protestors to tell us why they were protesting. One of them, a 47 year old named Zia-ul-Haq ,said, “How dare Amreeka gets to decide who is Muslim or not? How dare they tell Sunnis and Shias whether they get to practice and believe in their faith?! IT IS AN ATROCITY AND AN ATTACK AGAINST THE MUSLIM WORLD!!” We cut Zia off, wiped off the spit off our faces and reminded him that the same treatment was given to Ahmadis in Pakistan. The fact of the matter was that the Pakistani government had decided to take a religious stance over who can be declared a Muslim or not. By making sure that the Ahmadis could not legally call themselves Muslims, call their mosques as ‘mosques’ or their ‘azan’ as ‘azan’, the government of Pakistan had taken away a basic human right from the 4 million Ahmadis in Pakistan who had to sign a clause that their Prophet was a fraud if they were to participate in the election. He stuttered, appearing as if his already broken brain had stopped working completely and, after some panting and gasping, said, “Well, this is Pakistan. Since when have we cared about human rights?”

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